SAM MEEHAN'S EMPORIUM OF USED SILVERWARE, USED SILVERWARE ACCESSORIES, AND CRACK

Scene should be shot in a room with lots of cardboard boxes. Sam is wearing a sports jacket and jeans with his hair sicked back. All dialog is Sam screaming. Camera angle should change frequently and sporadically. All curse words are censored with a beep.

Sam: (Camera angle changes in between each "HEY". When the angle changes, Sam quickly turns his head toward the camera) HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! WUT! HEY! HEY! COME ON DOWN TO SAM MEEHAN'S EMPORIUM OF USED SILVERWARE, USED SILVERWARE ACCESSORIES, AND CRACK! 

Sam walks briskly over to one of the cardboard boxes.

Sam: HAVE YOU EVER LOOKED AT THE FOOD ON YOUR PLATE AND WONDERED: "HOLY SHIT HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT THIS IN MY MOUTH?" I KNOW I HAVE.

Sam twitches a bit, stares at a light for about 3 seconds, then turns back to the camera. This should be a strange lull in the anticipated nonstop screaming.

Sam: HEY! HEY! HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT TO YOURSELF: "MAN I HATE THAT GUY SO MUCH I'D STAB HIM WITH A FORK," BUT THERE IS NO FORK TO BE FOUND? I KNOW YOUR TROUBLES ALL TOO WELL. 

Sam reaches into a box violently and pulls out a handful of silverware, which he drops immediately.

Sam: WELL, HERE AT SAM MEEHAN'S, WE *ALL TYPES* THE USED SILVERWARE AND USED SILVERWARE ACCESSORIES. LOOK AT THIS HANDY SPOON CASE!

Sam grabs a cheap, large, suitcase from behind one of the cardboard boxes. The suitcase opens on accident and one spoon falls out. Sam doesn't notice.

Sam: FREE WITH PURCHASE OF 10,000 USED SPOONS! WHAT A DEAL! WE ALSO CARRY FORK SCARVES!

Sam pulls a fork out of his pocket with a string tied around the neck. The shaky camera zooms in on the fork. 

Sam: HEY! HEY! I BET YOU CAN'T FIND THIS SHIT *ANYWHERE*! SO COME ON DOWN TO SAM MEEHAN'S EMPORIUM OF USED SILVERWARE AND USED SILVERWARE ACCESSORIES! AND CRACK! 

New camera shot. Now, Sam has a considerable amount of white powder on one half of his face near his nose. Sam walks over to a new set of boxes. 

Sam: GOT ENOUGH SILVERWARE, YOU SAY? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG, THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE! 

Camera pans back onto Sam as he pulls tons of silverware out of his pants. Now, more of sam's face is covered with white powder.

Sam: I'VE GOT TONS OF THIS SHIT AND I'M PRACTICALLY GIVING IT AWAY!

Sam walks over to a box with a skull and crossbones.

Sam: THIS SILVERWARE WAS FOUND IN A BIOHAZARD TREATMENT FACILITY! ALL 25,000 ITEMS FOR JUST $10.99!

Sam reaches into the box and pulls out a fork.

Sam: MY SILVERWARE IS THE BEST! IT WON'T EVEN LIGHT ON FIRE!

The fork Sam is holding lights on fire.

Sam: HEY! HEY! HEY! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? WHY ARE YOU STILL LISTENING TO ME? COME ON DOWN TO SAM MEEHAN'S EMPORIUM OF USED SILVERWARE AND USED SILVERWARE ACCESSORIES!